How could we be so stupid? I stare into the eyes of my best friend, and wonder how we even got here. That night was so blurry... Darkness surrounded us, like a bad power outage. Except it was different, because I could hear my best friend, Caitlin scream my name, "STAR! HELP ME!" and that was not normal at all. She was too tough or at least I thought she was
It all started when I got fired, from my on campess job at the popular smoothie bar, for "slacking off", when ever we had a customer. Great, I thought, now how am I going to get money? As I walk back to Caitlin's and mine dorm, I pass the office, not surprised to see Caitlin.
Caitlin is different then all my other friends, see would way rather fight someone then go to see the new romantic comedy out in our on-campess theater. Ya, of course she has had the stage when she wanted to be a normal grade 9, girlie, frilly, etc. But, oh no, she had to be her O-Natural self and get into trouble
Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin. What have you got yourself into now? I thought to myself. As I pass her and make eye contact, she gives me the "Star, come bail me out!" glare. So I walk over to the office and help her out of a sticky situation as usual.
On our walk back to the dorm (Oh, by the way, she only got 1 day of detention, for fighting some grade 12, who was the captain of the football team) we stopped when we saw a guy who we had never seen before on campess, which was strange because I spot all of the cute boys immediately.
As usual Caitlin just gives out a huge sigh, which I know always means "Oh man here she goes again." As I drag Caitlin over to this adorable face I say, "Hey, you must be new here. I'm Star, and this is Caitlin." I wait for his facial expression it will either be one which will make me feel like a total idiot, or one that will send us on our first date. Lucky for me, he just smiled and said, "Ya I am new here, and my name is Jackson. Nice to finally meet someone nice around here. Do you know where Benner Hall is?" As I point him in the right direction, I give him my number "just in case he gets lost again."
When he walks away Caitlin turns to me and says "Dang, Star you are so smooth!". And the funny thing about this is that I know.
As soon as we get back to our dorm it is dark outside. I try to get out my key, in the dark, fumbling around in my bag, Caitlin says "Um Star, why is the door open?" What? OK that girl has officially lost it! But as I look up I feel my heart stop because there is a note on the door writ en in blood.
"YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF, IT COULD GET MESSY!........1" read the note "Star we need to call campess police! And what the heck does "1" mean????" "I don't know Caitlin I am just as scared as you." Which in my heart I know isn't true, considering, she could totally beat me up.
As I run for the phone, and pick it up, I find that, all I can hear is a dial tone. And when I try to push a number all I get is an operator.
"Please call your service provider, for more information about getting a use able phone" "NO, NO, NO, NO!", I yelled "This can not be happening!" Of course the day I get fired the cut off our room phone! "I am so confused!" Screamed Caitlin. As I explained how I got fired from my smoothie bar job, the words came out in a rush to Caitlin's horrified face. "Wait! We can just use the pay phone across the hall from our room!" Of course, I thought, how could I not think of that. I Star Ray-Lynn Stanger, am super smart I couldn't think of doing that!
As we run to our front door, and open it, we find that our room, and the hallway lights are off. A power outage no less. "Great, so what do we do now?" said Caitlin, in a very panicked voice. " I guess we just have to wait until the power comes back on to call the police." "STAR, have you lost it, there is a crazy guy threatening us. And he is going to do who knows what to us soon!
The next morning when we woke up with all the lights on we ran as fast as we could out our front door, checking to make sure that there was no note left o the door. And there wasn't. When we ran to the pay phone, I found that I had no money in my pockets, so we had to go back to get some. As we ran back to our dorm, yet again we found the front door open. WE peaked our heads inside and looked around. All looked fine. But, of course as soon as we walk in the door slams behind us.
"Hello ladies." said a familiar voice. We turn to find Jackson, the new kid, standing behind our door holding a knife.
"YOU! I can't believe it. I thought you were all sweet and stuff! So that note was from you?!?" He started walking towards us explaining as he does so. "Well as soon as I so you and your pretty friend I knew who my next victim was. So I decided to let you know in advance, because I am Sweet and Stuff that I was coming for you and your friend. He turned the lights off.
How could we be so stupid? I stare into the eyes of my best friend, and wonder how we even got here. Darkness surrounded us, like a bad power outage. Except it was different this time because I could hear my best friend Caitlin scream my name, "STAR HELP ME!", which was not normal at all. She was to tough, or at least I thought she was.
As he slowly walked towards us he held the knife high and proud. Luckily for me Caitlin knows how to fight. And well. So she got up, ran up behind him and kicked his legs out, watching him fall to the ground. And even more lucky, he was huge, so his falling of the ground got everyone curious what happened, which cause everyone to come to our dorm.
When I heard Caitlin scream, she wasn't scared, she wanted my help to take him down.
Once the campess police, heard they were over there in a flash. They walked in, saw him holding the knife, and took out handcuffs. They put him away.
Although he does have my number!
I really like your story it was really good. I liked the hook. You could work on proofreading and the ending. I would give it a 4.5.
ReplyDeleteI thought that it had lots of detail and that Starting with the current events was good but overall you should see if everything is spelt right so I'm gonna have to go with a 3
ReplyDeleteI think you had a really strong start that kept me hooked. The amount of detail that you put in about you and your friend was good. Maybe you could have gone into more detail about how you felt when the guy was holding the knife and was about to stab you. I would give this a 4 for details.
ReplyDeleteIt was really good! It had a lot of detail and was a really good story. I just wanted to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI think the ending could've been a little better, it kind of seemed rushed to right it. But it was really good otherwise! 4/5
it was interesting 4/5
ReplyDeleteI can realate to spotting the hot guys part. Hahaha. It was a great topic you kept me hooked by your strong deatail. Focused and clear. Good knowledge. 5/5
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